I wrote the previous thought a couple years ago. Since then, I have had moments of struggling with remaining in control of my emotions and my state of mind. In other words, not choosing to be happy. I allowed myself to become complacent with my mental health. This backtracking slowly put me back into a state of depression. Becoming overwhelmed with life’s day to day responsibilities. Stressing about work, finances, raising a daughter. My daughter has played a big role in my healing. I’m sure it is the same for most parents. I could lay in bed all day, but not if she is there. I can wallow in my sorrow, be angry at life, but I can’t be upset with her. She is me. Before all the pain and bitterness took hold. She is pure and innocent.
I was stretched thin. Putting others ahead of myself and my health. I was not making time for myself. I require a lot of time alone. I need peace and quiet. My mind feels so busy all day. I require a lot of space in order to decompress, recuperate, and allow my brain to rest. I’ve realized now not everyone is this way. Plagued by a busy mind. That’s how I see it anyway. The brain is a muscle like any other. It needs a break every now and then. Mine is always moving a thousand miles an hour. Taking in every emotion, body language, speech, context, and analyzing every possible outcome I can imagine in that moment. Because of this social interactions become hard for me.
This part of me, paired with PTSD and anxiety, made it all too easy for me to enact avoidance. This was one of the bigger struggles I deal with in my mental health. I am perfectly fine with being alone, so comfortable living in my mind. It is easy for me to spend days if not weeks having little to no social interaction outside of day-to-day responsibilities. When I first began experiencing avoidance, about four years ago, I pulled back from society. Friends and family. They didn’t understand the pain inside me. People didn’t understand. They still don’t. Back then I didn’t accept my pain. I didn’t possess the words to express what was happening in my mind and in my heart. My struggles with PTSD were so heavy that it was all I could do just to make it through a day of work. I required every moment alone I could get .
This allowed me to do a lot of soul searching, and examine internally. But it also made me, as a veteran, struggle with; paranoia, isolation, and being hyper-alert. It was a time in my life I wouldn’t change or take back, but it was hard and lonely. Afraid to go to the grocery store or run errands of any kind. Unsure of the countless symptoms that could be triggered at any given moment. Unable to drive my car in the daylight for fear of people seeing in. Whatever the hell that has to do with anything. I’ve since overcome many of those obstacles in my life. Slowly found my way back into the world.
I found myself feeling pretty good after a long road of really focusing on healing. Then again, when your mind is dealing with the intense darkness that is the daily life of mental health, any relief may feel like you’re conquering the world. These feelings made me get complacent, as I said before, I started thinking I was ready for things to be re-entered back into my life that I wasn’t in fact ready for. I reached another low point because of this in the last year or so. But I’ve come too far now, to be defeated by such an insignificant bit of depression. I have climbed several mountains now in my life. I know the way through. That way through this time, led me to Incognito.0Mosquito. To all of you.
I’m choosing once again to be happy.