Here I am once more. Finding myself stuck, feeling no real direction. Unsure of the next move to make. When you deal with mental health, these moments are very impactful. It’s like I described in a previous post about being bed ridden from depression. This is the same sensation, on a much smaller scale. I’ve won the battle over deep depression. But the enemy does not simply walk away. Those same thoughts of self-doubt and negativity seep back into your mind.
I didn’t know what to write about today, but would feel disappointed in myself if I slipped into the weekend without creating content and working on my blog. I did not want to procrastinate too long and give myself an excuse to do nothing at all. Something to work on for myself. I am thinking that on the weekends I will allow that to be the time I do not write. This project means a lot to me. All of you, mean a lot to me. I am already taken back by a few of the interactions I have had with some of you online. Hearing or reading your stories has humbled me so much and given me inspiration and courage.
However, it is hard. It is hard to rekindle some of the emotions and feelings these experiences once lorded over me. I am in a sense, putting myself back into a mild symptomatic state by doing this. I am not sure exactly what that means, am I not healed? Have I only won a few battles and avoided the rest? No, I do not think so. I know I am moving on, but there are still wounds that need attention. We cannot tackle everything at once. I have to remind myself this. So here I am. Just typing. Letting what is inside me formulate onto this page. I wanted to tell all of you something though.
It is okay to rest. Society tells us we must work Monday through Friday, from morning to night. This is not right for everyone. Do what works for you, what your body tells you. We all have jobs, responsibilities, and busy lives. You must find time. You want to sleep in until noon? Do it. You like to start your days at five AM? Do it. You want to just check out for a day? Give the kids away and do it. Take care of yourself and your responsibilities, but do that on your own terms.
My time is at night. I find solace in the dark emptiness of the world. Ever since I was a kid, I loved sneaking out of the house at night. Not to go gallivanting around causing chaos. Just in my backyard laying on the ground. On the roof looking at the stars. Talking to no one but myself. Listening to nothing but my heart. These are some of my fondest memories. This is a part of me that has grounded me through so many dark times. I learned this coping mechanism young. When I feel like I have lost all hope, I wait for the world to stop and retreat to their homes. Then I go outside in the night, and something changes me. I don’t know why it makes me feel better. It just does.
Walking around in the still cool air. The moon shining bright up in the sky. Silence. Yeah, I know it’s not completely silent and that depends on where you live. But it’s quiet enough for me at least. There is something calming during that time. There are no expectations. No one expects you to be awake. No one expects you to be at work. No one is asking anything of you, or upset at you for not doing. That is my time. My small portion of space in this infinite universe.
Sometimes we must re-center ourselves. If you’re going to have a lazy day, don’t spend it feeling guilty while you still do it. Enjoy it. Immerse yourself in it. Squeeze it for all it’s worth and recharge. The world will not collapse beneath your feet. You can pick up where you left off the next day. Or later on in the day, or even week. Enjoy your weekend. Recuperate. And hey, maybe you work on the weekends. We all get days off. Your weekend is just that, yours. Maybe that is Monday for you, awesome. Take all the time you need, enjoy your time off.
“Never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world. For, indeed that’s all who ever have.”– Margaret Mead